THE DOUBLE EMPATHY PROBLEM

The Double Empathy Problem was coined by Dr Damian Milton. Dr Damian Milton is an autistic person who is an Autism Knowledge and Expertise Consultant, along with other official appointments he holds in the autism space. He holds a number of academic qualifications in a range of subjects: Sociology, Philosophy, Psychology, Education.

The Double Empathy Problem is explained in this National Autistic Society's page. You can also find a summary for non-academics on the "Reframing Autism" website.

A watered down explanation would be: Much as people say autistics have difficulty understanding and empathising with neurotypicals (NTs), a concept commonly referred to "Theory of Mind", NTs have equal difficulty understanding autistics. People with different life experiences and wiring of brain experience and process the world differently. but one is no less than the other, it is just different.

It is funny how people assume the autistic is the one who is "socially deficit", for a NT can also be considered "socially deficit" if he is put with a group of autistics. Empathy should be a two-way street.

I will not give an academic lesson on this as I am not PhD-trained, and the international autistic experts explain it very well already, I shall not dilute it. However, what I WILL do in this post is to share a personal real life story to show how this concept is in play in real life.

BACKGROUND STORY: THE INCIDENT AT THE AIRPORT

About 6 years ago, I was at the airport seeing someone off who was going overseas for University studies. The group was rather large as many people were seeing him off.

At going home time, I asked someone in the group named Sammy (NOT her real name), if I could get a lift from her, given we stay in the same neighbourhood estate, with our homes less than 5-min drive away from each other.

Sammy did not give a definite answer upfront, but instead said we all need to first arrange who is going in whose car (for there were indeed many people around).

I responded "Doesn't make sense if I don't take your car, right?" (I will explain in a later part of this post what I was thinking behind this statement).

I got the car ride in the end.

THE MISUNDERSTANDING

The next day, someone else in the group, James (NOT his real name), who understands me better relative to all the others, had a private word with me. To my shock/horror, he said everyone got a shock at my response. However, I was puzzled why.

He told me it is because everyone thought and assumed that I was I being selfish and wanted the car ride only for myself and didn't care about anyone else needing the ride.

He also explained that there were many girls there and it was late at night. I then realised according to the neurotypical norms and unspoken social rules,

Girls to get priority if the total number of people exceed the total number of seats available in all the cars available (i.e. the number of seats in each of the cars driven by whoever drove to the place that night, and hence driving home, added together).

Making a comment like "Doesn't make sense if I don't take your car, right?" is (mis)interpreted as coming from a place of selfishness / self-centredness / self-entitlement.

I felt lousy and bad about this situation for a long long time, misleading myself into believing it was solely and wholly a horrible social blunder on my part and I need to learn how to show consideration to others... that is, before I ever understood the concept of Double Empathy Problem.

HOW THE DOUBLE EMPATHY PROBLEM APPLIES HERE

I explained above how the neurotypicals see it. However, had anyone ever paused to consider how the autistic sees it, and his true intentions? That night, NO ONE DID.

I was clueless and had NO understanding that neurotypicals way of thinking is as such. What I REALLY meant was, it does not make logical sense for passenger(s) not to get a car ride from a driver who is living in the same neighbourhood estate. Logically, the driver is going to drive home anyway, right? Whether there are 5 passengers, 1 passenger, or 0 passengers, the driver is going to drive to the same neighbourhood because his/her own home is in that neighbourhood! Doesn't it make perfect logical sense to carpool? For the record, I would have had the EXACT SAME THINKING if I had been the driver^ instead of the passenger!

^yes, I do have a driving licence... and that is nothing to be surprised about.

But likewise the neurotypicals were equally clueless and had NO understanding of the autistic way of thinking. Nor did they know what the autistic's true intentions were, and they DID NOT clarify with the autistic. They ASSUMED!

The two statements in purple above illustrate how there is a DOUBLE EMPATHY problem. Do note the statement in purple below as well, in a later part of this post itself.

Learning the Double Empathy Problem has liberated me to realise that the problem is NOT solely and wholly me, and the 'burden' and hardwork of learning to understanding others SHOULD NOT (but yet it seems to be, sadly) fall entirely on the autistics' shoulders! Rather, it works both ways. It is a shared responsibility.

The other people that night were also at fault (and I make no apologies for this statement) for being quick to judge and jump conclusions, wrongly assuming that what they thought the autistic meant is what he really meant, wrongly believing that their PERCEPTION was REALITY.

What makes it more hurtful is more than half the group knew I was autistic. They may not understand autism deeply and intimately, but to clarify doesn't take much effort, seriously.

James was the only one who bothered to come and explain to me before passing judgement, however, there was a very crucial missing step - he did not explain to the others what the autistic person might have meant, and that he had no ill intentions. What James effectively did was, he expected empathy to be a ~~two-way~~ one-way street, where only the autistic is expected to understand how the others think and the dynamics of the situation, but vice versa is seemingly not expected nor needed.

The only reason I didn't clarify myself with the others on what they really meant is because I had no clue they were perceiving me and the situation that way. I had no clue they misperceived me as coming a place of selfishness. If I knew, I of course would have clarified!

But likewise, the driver of the car, Sammy, did NOT clarify explicitly what she REALLY meant, what her true intentions were, in not giving me a definite yes for me to take her car ride (despite living in the same neighbourhood estate). Sammy did NOT explain that girls needed prioirity for safety. All she did was say "we needed to arrange (who is going in whose car) first", which from a logical viewpoint (at least the way my autistic brain sees it) is that whatever the arrangement would be, it makes perfect sense for people living in the same neighbourhood to carpool. See the double empathy problem here? Miscommunications is both ways, but people wrongly assume the worst of the autistic and the best of the neurotypical.

Ironical isn't it, when it is the neurotypicals who keep telling autistics (as a way of supposedly teaching us social norms) that friendship is a two-way street, communication is a two-way street.

Another layer of hurt is that this group of people come from a spiritual environment that proclaims to be "...where God is touching lives, where people care for people", but yet the marginalised (such as the autistics) are treated this way? Looks like to them, the "people" in their motto only includes the mainstream. Very ableist. Very hypocritical. Very condescending. Very ungodly.

I hope readers take this in their stride, and learn from it.

For the autistics,

to not blame and victimise yourself when you misunderstand others or make a social blunder (for this discussion sake, I am assuming you had no ill intentions and just genuinely perceived the situation differently from others),
but instead recognise that is a two-way street - others misunderstood you just as much as (or in some cases, even more than) you misunderstood them.

For the neurotypicals,

to not be quick to blame the autistic, nor to label us with terms like "inconsiderate", "selfish" , "insensitive", when they are untrue. If you make such remarks, I will make no apologies to correct you.
Instead, take time to see the autistic point of view... which is no less human than yours, just different. Take time to also reflect on yourself on whether YOU were considerate and sensitive to the autistic, whether you made any effort to seek first to understand.

SO HOW CAN WE BUILD BRIDGES?

We have to build bridges to live in harmony. There is only one planet to live on - Earth, There is no seperate planet for the autistics (though some fantasise and wish there was). Life is already hard enough when situations we are caught in make us feel like aliens on the planet.

To build bridges, it first starts with a change in paradigms, mindsets and attitudes.

To build bridges, a starting point could be simply for all to consciously practise some universal principles that we already know theortically (a.k.a. head knowledge), such as:

Be slow to judge, swift to hear
Seek first to understand, DON'T assume
Have compassion, empathy, understanding. Show grace and love. Be forgiving
Understand people's hurt and how it affects their actions. Don't judge their actions, you don't know their background life story. Don't judge people's scars, you don't know how they got them.

Some may read this and want to tell me that such principles apply to everyone including autistics and that we autistics can learn to practise these things too. Well, I don't disagree (for the record, I sometimes teach good values to other autistics who look up to me, when it is within my ability and capacity). But let me show you a different perspective of things:

the autistics have practised these more than you realised, and have had the resilience to withstand being misunderstood all so often. Think about or recall times when:

people make comments that are offending to autistics, but we gave the benefit of the doubt that maybe they said it out of ignorance and not ill intentions and let it slide. Some of us (perhaps especially the advocates) have taken one more step of explaining to others why it is offending, and oh the countless times we had to repeat ourselves. Is this not compassion, empathy, understanding, grace, and love? If it is not, then what is? Is this not being forgiving of others? If it is not, then what is?
In contrast, when autistics make comments that are inappropriate according to neurotypical social norms and etiquette, and it is not out of ill intentions at all, others are quick to take offence. We apologise anyway.
Comparing the first two bullet points above, the double standards / inconsistency is obvious!
autistics tried to suppress some of our natural tendencies, just to make the environment more pleasant for everyone else at our own expense (believe me, it takes a huge amount of exhausting effort to go against your natural tendencies. We just have different ways of coping with stress, which are somehow perceived by the public as less acceptable, be it stimming, hands flapping, pacing up & down or otherwise)
despite all of these, maintain a sense of humour which some got to admit it adds life to the group
and the list goes on

I also observed autistics being more understanding towards each other, because we all can empathise (being autistic ourselves), and we learn not to take each other's comments and actions personally. and it doesn't break the friendship (at least in most cases)
Autistics have somehow, each of us to varying degrees, learn the way neurotypicals operate and communicate a lot more than vice versa, and put in effort to adjust... partly due to the need to survive in this world that is not built for us, where we are the minority. However, many neurotypicals have not tried to understand the autistic world (at best, a small minority do) because there may not be any impetus to do so nor is it a necessity for surivival. So it is time to rethink and re-examine stereotypes like "autistics lack empathy" and "autistics are socially deficit".

It is tough doing all of the above, and I admire all the autistics (including myself) who despite all of that, are still pressing on in life - be it in career, in family, in friendship, in daily living etc. - and still trying to make the best out our lives, to make lemons out of lemonades life throws at us.... against all odds!.

So remember, people, EMPATHY IS A ~~One-way~~ TWO-WAY STREET.

The next time a communication breakdown happens between you and an autistic, re-evaluate, bearing in mind "Double Empathy Problem" and assess the situation through a different lens. Pause and think "does the autistic really mean what I think he means, or is it my own interpretation and perception? Is my perception reality?"

Autistic way of thinking, way of expressing empathy etc. is no less human, but just different. Different does NOT equate to Damaged, Divergent does NOT equate to Defective

Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. Think over this. TOGETHER we can all build bridges and make the world a better place for all of humanity, enabling all to live life to the fullest, if we all just be slow to judge, seek first to understand (and to understand, we must learn to LISTEN and challenge our own beliefs!) and develop kind hearts. Do your part today and create ripple effects!

"Alone we can do so little, TOGETHER WE can do SO MUCH" (Helen Keller)

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